Waking Up to Sunshine

Dear friends, family, and stalkers,

It's been a little while. It's been quite a while, really. My apologies for that, I know that my grandparents on both sides (who would get the award for being the best g-parents around when it comes to supporting their grandchildren with letters of encouragement, packages of love, and emails of concern) are probably starting to wonder about me. Don't you worry, I'll be better about it for the duration of school (and summer, if you so wish).

Though it may be the shortest month in the calendar this February was the longest for me; I think this is partially due to how last month was around when I started feeling very over winter, when the short days really got to me, and when I had the most difficult time in school and at home (as in the apartment I was living at previously). A lot of it had to do with Tim and I dating long distance via skype and texts; albeit it ended up being only a month of separation but it was still difficult. It had just blossomed right before he left, and I suppose since we lived together and were such good friends already it made it really hard to suddenly not see each other everyday and try to learn how to be together in our new developed dynamic. Don't get me wrong, it was a lot of fun too just getting to know each other from a distance with our new feelings for each other. Sufficed to say I had a difficult time concentrating on school and it wasn't until he came back just before Valentine's day that I was thankfully given winter break (or reading week) to be with him and do some catch up work for school that I felt a little better.

I do, however, often have to remind myself that I'm here for school. But school has been a challenge for me because I've gotten in a bit of a slump with winter - the cold has made me want to hibernate. This is difficult, because I'm here as a creative writing major - and the last thing I want to do right now is sit down and write. When it's not sleep, life and the work I'm doing outside of the rigidity of the classroom is much more exciting and has been the thing that has kept me warm this winter.

It's not till recently that the weather is miraculously warmer and the sun lasts longer. I found the perfect new place: cheap, great roommates, same street I was living on, and I have a huge sunny window! Though, this too has its disadvantages because now all I want to do is be outside, get to know my new roomies, or cook in my new kitchen: anything to avoid school.

Ladies and gents, I may be coming to the end of it, but I've come to realize that this girl isn't made for academia. At least, not right now. And if it was academia I was meant for, then it was at a school like Concordia with a degree that focused on directing and stage management. I've half admitted this to myself many a time, but always just kept going because my goal seemed more driven towards finishing school so that I wouldn't waste time or money.

Note: I do plan on going to grad school, but probably not for a long while. Time to self educate, explore my options and passions, and explore the world.

I may not be particularly compatible with my English major, and I can tell you I certainly feel a fraud as a creative writing major; but I can tell you that I know and love theatre. I have started to feel really comfortable in the work I've done and the experience I've slowly gathered in theatre classrooms and projects. I feel like I belong, now more than ever, in the theatre process. For now. I'm very much okay with realizing later that theatre isn't my thing but I think it's about time I accept that it's what gets me going, moving, thinking, and learning; and has been that thing for some time now - regardless of how little money it will make me. And I think it took coming to a place like Montreal to really accept that about myself. I'm not knocking Sonoma, it's just that I reached the big fish in a little pond feeling there and I guess that's why I plunked myself in a larger environment to begin with. Though when I did this, I must admit, I was still pretty intent on miraculously coming into my own as a creative writer. Think again girl. Theatre is pulling on miss Bonnie, but for now it's not in the direction of playwright.

I guess I'm learning that the hard way, and there isn't a day that doesn't go by where I'm not nearly pulling my hair out from frustration about writing a script. Days where I'm cursing those majors who can read a text book, or do an equation and then move on with their lives whereas I've got to sit down and stare at a blank screen and write crap and then only come to my enlightenment at 4 am when my brain won't function correctly anymore to put words on the screen that can capture it. Then going to class on Tuesday and feeling the humiliation that comes along with hearing your drivel out loud. It's not a very fun cycle, but perhaps something I needed to experience. I'm not ruling out writing. But I'm certainly not able to write when I'm in school in a way that I'd like. I think I've got to come into my own on my time off, I think I'm not developed enough outside of school to have the confidence. And I certainly haven't written enough to call myself a writing major. So I say English and emphasize the theatre minor.

I'm loving the Vagina Monologues and I feel so privileged to be a part of this process. In many ways, as other theatre experience has shown, it can be the thing that keeps me energized enough to get through yet another semester. It can be the thing that stresses me out the most, but at the end of the day, it's always something I'm glad I did because I learn so much and feel very accomplished about. Not to mention that I've become very close with the director and friend, Rhea from Winnipeg.

Along the lines of the production: we've got an eight hour rehearsal on Sunday, rehearsals dispersed throughout the week, and then the big weekend is coming where we'll get into tech and then right after the show will be up in the big theatre on campus. I think it's great that even though I came here unable to participate in the theatre productions because I'm not a major, I still found a way to get involved and ended up being in a production that did make its way to the big stage.

School really isn't that far from being finished and I'm starting to formulate my summer. Not only my summer, but it looks as if I'll be finding a way to stay for quite a while with a month visit back to my roots in between. For summer I'm still looking to take a two month, four day a week, $50 French course with Cardy; volunteer for big theatre festival in Montreal, The Fringe, and get other work or volunteerism in with other theatre spaces or companies; and get some sort of job that will allow for me to pay rent and buy groceries. And I've got to find a way to stay without an academic visa after that so it's going to take some research and getting things straight. It's scary but also very exciting because I really do want to stay and I've got lots that's drawing me here - I just realize it's not going to be easy because I am, after all, in another country, not only that, but an area of that country where it's pretty necessary to parler français; something, I'll readily admit, I'm not very good at picking up and I've got to work much harder at.

Something I've learned about myself; something that is noticeably different: I'm a champ at taking on change, but not even that, I need and crave it. I think this was already true but moving to the east coast of North America has a huge impact on my resiliency and desire to be more protean.

A few weekends ago there was a Nuit Blance (translation: up all night) city-wide celebration. My old pack and new pack of roommates conjoined to walk around the city and enjoy all the events. Concordia has been having it's two week Art Matters festival - the largest event of it's kind in North America (I know, right?!). Rhea had a piece in it so Tim and I went to go see her performance as well as all the other performances at the collected works in a local venue. Found some new music! Elgin-Skye is a soon to be purchased album for me. She sings about woodland creatures and manatees.

Also, my birthday is tomorrow and I have been forgetting it's even happening this whole month because it's such a small thing in comparison to everything going on. I'm going to go to some student produced work that I was lucky enough to see written in one of my classes and then I'm going to see my friend in her student produced dance show. Afterward I'm having friends to my new place and then we'll go dancing. Sunday evening after a loooong rehearsal, I'll be going to see Joanna Newsom - a singer/songwriter from Nevada City, California. Somehow, sometime I've got to write this darn script more fully into existence. I seriously get anxiety every time we meet to workshop because it's not getting out there and the day that the class has to see it is just around the corner. This is what I signed up for, and I do realize I'm lucking to be in such a great program with such talented folks - it's just that more often than not, I don't feel like I belong.

I'll post pictures of the new place soon!

I love you all. Hope life finds you well.